Tomas Tidewell one of my few “friends” in this rotten shithole of a world, decided to take his family on a vacation to the Caribbean, he asked me to keep watch over his modest house while they were away.  I agreed. I must note that I am not mocking my friend’s house it is adequate for he and his small family, but compared to the mansion where I reside it isn’t much. You could literally fit entire his house in my living room three or four times over.  Anyway, at present I am upstairs in the master bedroom sound asleep alongside a gorgeous Italian woman I picked up at a local club. I believe her name is Caterina or something to that effect but am not exactly sure. Anyway, she has long black hair and olive skin and is fat in all of the right places if you know what I mean. I am sleeping shirtless exposing my muscular physique and wearing a pair of navy blue sweat pants. It is then that I am awoken by the sound of a sliding glass door opening and a banging noise with someone yelling “Ah… shit!” and wincing in pain. Obviously someone has entered the house and knowing that my friend and his family are not due back for a few more days, I head downstairs to investigate. The Italian beauty beside me continues sleeping undisturbed by the noise. 

I notice standing before me a rather fat, dumpy looking man (I assume) dressed entirely in black complete with a ski mask. The man is floored and apparently has tripped over or banged his knee on my friend’s stuffed, formerly living dog Charles. Who for reasons known only to my friend is kept directly by the sliding door, positioned as though he wishes to go out.  This bumbling buffoon  apparently didn’t realize this as he was breaking and entering. 

Heinrich Von Tees: Who the bloody fuck are you?

Burglar: Ah Crap! I didn’t realize anyone was here governor how’s about I just leave and you pretend this was a bad dream?

Heinrich Von Tees: How about I kick your fucking ass from here to kingdom come? Sounds a lot more fun to me.

Burglar: Please don’t kill me sir… It’s my birthday

Heinrich Von Tees: Well then… that changes everything doesn’t it?

Burglar: It does? Thank you then governor I’ll be on my way.

Heinrich Von Tees: Actually… all it changes is the fact that I’ll sing happy birthday to you as I’m kicking your ass from here to kingdom come.

I violently punch the man in the stomach and keels over in pain.

Heinrich Von Tees: Happy Birthday to you.

I knee the man in the side of the temple and slam him against the wall.

Heinrich Von Tees: Happy Birthday to you.

I slam the man’s head into the wall and proceed to rip off his ski mask.

Heinrich Von Tees: I don’t fucking know you… why are you doing this? You’re an old man, a pathetic old man, an old man who probably should have died years ago.

Burglar: (Struggling to breath) I’m only 50 please let me go I can explain.

Heinrich Von Tees:
Explain what? You were going to rob  a house… the wrong house and you got caught… by me.  Now you’re paying the price for your ignorance and stupidity.

I slam his head into the wall to the point that it leaves a hole.

Heinrich Von Tees: Happy Birthday to you…. you stupid son of a bitch who robbed the wrong house, at the wrong time and got caught… Happy Birthday to you…

I throw the man to the floor and beat/choke him with a golf club before knocking him unconscious.

Heinrich Von Tees: And Many More.

I contemplate insuring that won’t be the case by killing the man and ending his miserable life… but end up settling on the idea of turning him in. I tie him up not that it’s necessary and drop him off at a local police station with a note pinned to his chest explaining the situation. I return to Tomas’ house and notice that Caterina has finally awoken and made coffee… not only that but she’s cleaned the minor mess no questions asked.

Heinrich Von Tees: You really are a heavy sleeper.

Caterina: Not usually, but you really wore me out last night.

Fade out with us eating breakfast and drinking coffee.