I am currently sitting in a confessional dressed in the typical attire of Roman Catholic Priest with one clear exception, my attire appears to be a royal or navy blue color as opposed to black. My collar however is the traditional classic white color which has been worn by priest for centuries. I begin hearing confessions from various people. First from a man who refers to himself as “Frank” though I’m sure that is an alias.

“Frank”: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I have used several prostitutes to for the purposes of sexual release and then I proceeded to murder them in violent and brutal ways when I was finished.  I have done this several times and have also done the same thing to strippers.

Tees: Why do you suppose you do this my child?

“Frank”: I like the feeling of being the last customer that person will ever have and feel I am doing the world a favor by eliminating what I consider to be wretched filth.

Tees: I want you to say this prayer and you may be forgiven, then again you may be entirely too far gone and then I want you to turn yourself in and face the consequences of your actions.

“Frank”: That’s the plan

Tees: Repeat after me. Dear Lord Jesus, I hereby repent of my past and present sins known and unknown and beg for your mercy and forgiveness. I am truly sorry for all of my sins and I beg of you, cleanse me with your blood, guide me with your holiest of spirt and lead me away from sin and my sinful nature. Forgive me my trespasses as I forgive those who trespass against me and lead me not into temptation but deliver me from evil. Thank you for all that you’ve done for me in my life and may you continue to protect me, guide me and keep me safe. Amen

“Frank”: Dear Lord Jesus, I hereby repent of my past and present sins known and unknown and beg for your mercy and forgiveness. I am truly sorry for all of my sins and I beg of you, cleanse me with your blood, guide me with your holiest of spirt and lead me away from sin and my sinful nature. Forgive me my trespasses as I forgive those who trespass against me and lead me not into temptation but deliver me from evil. Thank you for all that you’ve done for me in my life and may you continue to protect me, guide me and keep me safe. Amen.

Tees: Good now turn yourself into the authorities and best of luck my child I will continue to pray for you for what it’s worth at this point.

“Frank” leaves and I later find that he has in fact turned himself in.  He’ll be convicted and serve his time, probably remain in prison for the rest of his life but it certainly beats the alternative. Nothing makes me happier or makes my job easier than when someone chooses the correct way of doing things.

The next person enters. A woman named Sally a practicing lesbian for the last 25 years. Sally is responsible for “turning out” women and girls who were unsure of their sexualities and “converting them to a lesbian lifestyle.”

Sally: Forgive me father for I have sinned, last Saturday night I seduced and had sex with my daughter’s 18 year old friend. I got her drunk and took advantage of her.

Tees: You seem to do this often have you not learned from past mistakes?

Sally: I don’t mean to do these things, it’s just I have no free will and it’s like someone else is controlling me and making me do them.

Tees: NON SENSE. We all have choices and decisions only a bestial animal cares not what it does you aren’t an animal stop acting like it.

Tees: (sighs) alright once more repeat after me you should know it by heart by now.  Dear Lord Jesus, I hereby repent of my past and present sins known and unknown and beg for your mercy and forgiveness. I am truly sorry for all of my sins and I beg of you, cleanse me with your blood, guide me with your holiest of spirt and lead me away from sin and my sinful nature. Forgive me my trespasses as I forgive those who trespass against me and lead me not into temptation but deliver me from evil. Thank you for all that you’ve done for me in my life and may you continue to protect me, guide me and keep me safe. Amen

Sally: (with a heavy New York accent) Dear Lord Jesus, I hereby repent of my past and present sins known and unknown and beg for your mercy and forgiveness. I am truly sorry for all of my sins and I beg of you, cleanse me with your blood, guide me with your holiest of spirt and lead me away from sin and my sinful nature. Forgive me my trespasses as I forgive those who trespass against me and lead me not into temptation but deliver me from evil. Thank you for all that you’ve done for me in my life and may you continue to protect me, guide me and keep me safe. Amen

Tees: Hopefully you’ll actually stick with it this time and stop doing this I mean come on you are nearly 50.
Sally leaves likely to return again in the future to confess the same repeated behaviors.

And finally we have Daniel an internet porn addict and serial masturbator. Daniel is nearly 35 years old and has never been with a woman or even in a relationship. He feels just awful about his lifestyle but makes zero effort to try and change it.

Daniel: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I did it again and again this week repeatedly. 3-5 times a day everyday this week I feel terrible.

Tees:
As you should as you are making no effort to stop this behavior it’s sort of like a diabetic who does nothing to manage their disease. Or someone with high blood pressure/cholesterol who does nothing about it. You get the idea you are sick Daniel and need professional help but first let us pray.

Tees: Dear Lord Jesus, I hereby repent of my past and present sins known and unknown and beg for your mercy and forgiveness. I am truly sorry for all of my sins and I beg of you, cleanse me with your blood, guide me with your holiest of spirt and lead me away from sin and my sinful nature. Forgive me my trespasses as I forgive those who trespass against me and lead me not into temptation but deliver me from evil. Thank you for all that you’ve done for me in my life and may you continue to protect me, guide me and keep me safe. Amen

Daniel: Dear Lord Jesus, I hereby repent of my past and present sins known and unknown and beg for your mercy and forgiveness. I am truly sorry for all of my sins and I beg of you, cleanse me with your blood, guide me with your holiest of spirt and lead me away from sin and my sinful nature. Forgive me my trespasses as I forgive those who trespass against me and lead me not into temptation but deliver me from evil. Thank you for all that you’ve done for me in my life and may you continue to protect me, guide me and keep me safe. Amen

Tees:
I would also like you to try something else Daniel. I’m going to give you a web address that may be able to help you with your problems with women. Your so called “issues” are nothing more than confidence related and we can fix that. You aren’t worthless Daniel you just feel that you are. Women aren’t repulsed by you nor do they think you’re a loser, you believe this to the point that it prevents you from pursing them. Here is the web address http://www.JonTees.Org/EliteTraining

Daniel:
Gee thanks, I’ll look into it. It’s needless to say but I’m tired of being alone.
Tees: You aren’t really alone Daniel not when you have the lord by your side and remember God loves you. You’ll find the right women trust me there is a woman out there that has especially been created for you.

Fade out.

Several hours later empty black nothingness just simply the voice of Tees speaking.

Tees: Sin, Sunday is quickly approaching and it will be a dark and bloody day for you as you meet your end at my hands. You are insane to believe that I am not the one true avenging sword of the lord and believe yourself to be, so that it’s only fitting that you be placed in a straight jacket and carted off to a loony bin like all of the other false prophets and non believers. I really have not much further to say other than once you are in that straight jacket you will come to know the truth about my identity and will know my name forever more. You have been warned Sin and the bells now toll for you, when bells start tolling heads start rolling. See you Sunday.

Fade out with a creature that appears to be a seven headed dragon chasing screaming people through this dark place while a demonic voice says “Hell is empty and the devil is here.”